Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Oh faithful blogger friend.
You're here and you listen. Thank goodness for that. I've so overexposed myself on other sites that there is nowhere for me to hide and hack out the gory details of my life as I see them. So here I sit, still wading through drama I'd hoped to never go through.
Have you ever felt too close to your kids? I mean so close, that you feel what they're feeling and try to help make it right?
Recently I've been told that I'm trying to live for them, preventing them from existing on their own. Now the person that told me this, is by far at the bottom of my popularity poll, and any other thing they'd say, I'd vehemently ignore-but this one hit home.
My daughter is 18. She's been in a relationship with a guy from another school for 14 months. About a month ago, they decided to "just be friends" while they both attended college in the same town, but different campuses. They live in the same apartment complex, about a five minute drive from each 0ther.
This wasn't a nurturing, loving relationship, their exchanges would be loud, angry and mean 75 percent of the time. I'd overhear conversations and my daughter would tell me details about how he wouldn't allow her to talk to members of the opposite sex, e-mail them, or have them as friends on the computer. He'd show up at her apartment at odd hours to "talk" and she was getting tired of his control issues.
Although they were "just friends," they still called each other multiple times daily. I'm guessing just to annoy each other more than anything.
Well last week they severed ties. I was caught up in the drama because my daughter was at home on her fall break. The loud, repeated phone calls, coupled with hangups and arguements were ongoing.
She went with her dad and I, including about 11 other friends to a haunted house over the weekend. He called, after hearing about it, and let her know he didn't appreciate her selection of friends that went along.
He then went to the internet and filled her 2 personal sites with shitty comments, filthy language and threats. Lemme see, there was the
"You better hope there's an ambulance nearby the next time I see you," and the
"I think I could hit you," not to be topped by the
"I can't wait until you get back to your apartment because there's a surprise waiting there."
My daughter and I talked for the first time about stalking, personal danger, and how not to be stupid.
She contends he was just "mad and upset" and didn't mean any of it. She is completely oblivious to any form of a threat - despite the fact he followed her home from work yesterday wanting to "talk."
I'm afraid he might hurt her.
Maybe it's because I'm 37 and she's 18. I know how shitty people in this world can be, especially overly hormonal, territorial, possessive 18 year-old boys.
Last night I left him a private message on HIS website, telling him to back the hell off or there would be consequences, including the police, and notifying his parents, because I've saved all the messages to a file he's left on her website, his text messages, and phone messages. I wanted him to know I knew these things, and that my husband and I were watching.
He immediately answered my message, calling me "too involved" and said that this "isn't any of my business." I'm also an overprotective mom who won't let their kids live their own lives.
He suggested I get my nose out of it because he intended to get her back.
I told my daughter I'd contacted him to tell him what I expected. I didn't want him crying to her, telling her how mean and awful I treated him. I wanted to let her know that I told him that I knew what was up, and that he'd better back off. What I did was between he and I-I didn't implicate her at all.
Now she's not talking to me.
Am I right? Should I step in when I feel she doesn't recognize what's happening? When I can see a day when he hurts her? Am I entitled?
Or am I hopelessly wrong, meddling where I don't belong.
All the lines have been erased now, and I'm lost.